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Welcome to Australian Democracy for dummies

On behalf of Captain I gotta Zip and The Sheriff of Nothingham hill I’d like to welcome all Australian’s to Australian Democracy for dummies. A national vote fest that’s doing things with democracy ancient Greek philosophers could only dream off. No this is not about News Limited waving its manhood with menace at the Ruddster, it’s not even about selfies or Ménage à twats or lord help us those dam boats. And it certainly not about whether or not the dog ate the liberal party’s costings. It did. I saw it. End of story.

No my fellow Australians it’s about being forced on election day to get out there and vote under the threat of being fined to exercise you god given right to avoid getting fined. But what a day out eh?  A waddle down to the local school to fight off those pamphlet wielding zombies – the greenie who wants to legalise ecstasy with-in same sex indigenous marriages and the local bigot who wants those people from the country of Islam stay in their own country of Islam. After running that gauntlet you slide up to pearly gates of democracy where the tuck shop lady ticks your name. You then shuffle towards the ballot box singing you put your Prime Minister in, you put your Prime Minister out, you put your Prime Minister in, and you shake him/her all about before casting your impulse in to the abyss of Australian democracy. With that done you emerge full of democratic spirit with one simple question “where’s that sausage sizzle?”

No but seriously…

With soaring vision for the 21st Century, Tony Abbott has committed Australia to a gigantic U-turn on climate, carbon and clean energy. This follows his plans to bring Australia storming into the Asian century by better aligning it to the traditional values of the Catholic Church. I expect his next step will be to partner with Alan Jones in demanding a constitutional amendment to make ruddy faced shouting our new national language.

Meanwhile Kevin has cut all ties, particularly the blue ones and has assured us all if we all try hard enough there’s nothing we can’t bring back from 2007. But Kev, programmatic specificity aside, I way you to help you achieve your much vaunted 2016 surplus  – the immediate cessation of all unemployment benefits to the nations’ unemployed trees. I mean trees have been rorting the benefits system for years. Those slack jawed yokels just stand about converting carbon dioxide into oxygen and quite literally watching the grass grow. The message to young Australians? Don’t be taking a leaf out of their book!

But we have it pretty good here, perched in Asia, a stable government, a pretty good economy. A free nation where anyone can make it big. For example Professor Clive Palmer owns a company which digs up ore and sells it so he’s expert in everything! In Russia however, following the passing of anti gay laws, being gay in Russia is now officially worse than being Russian in Russia. A recent government survey over seen by President Putin of everyday Russians, whose children were being detained just down the hall, found 143 per cent of those surveyed agreed homosexuality is a disease you can catch watching American TV and 113 per cent believed it is a bad habit often associated with left handed tennis players. And just when you thought it could get any funkier the leader of the Russian Orthodox Church last month brought the Russian church storming into the 16th century when he called same-sex marriage “a very dangerous sign of the apocalypse.” This from a man who is also well known for a wearing gorgeous gold hats and for have only ever lived with other men.

And then there’s poor, struggling Nauru. This perennial Aussie political football has been severely weakened following the announcement that someone had stolen the stole the Nauruan government’s PC. It remains a mystery as the PC was situated in a well-guarded tent on edges of what was once Nauru largest guano mine. Also stolen was a pair of parliamentary flippers, the president’s thongs, and top secret blue prints for the design of Nauru’s new parliamentary hammock.

So whether the Liberals are found to be a one trick Tony or Labour just a ruddy mess I say put down the glasses, the horse has bolted and that train has sailed because it’s a foregone conclusion that the winner will be Limited News.